It's a mystery to me

In this post I ask a simple question: How hard is it to place a check mark next to a box and throw a pre-stamped RSVP postcard into a mailbox?

Well, if you ask the 26 people who have yet to RSVP to our wedding, I'm sure they would say it's exceptionally hard.

And the thing that really kills me is that we sent a Save the Date in April...let's not act like the wedding is a surprise, folks, you've had 5 months to figure out babysitter plans, transportation plans, kennel plans, etc. But, no, you'd rather wait until AFTER the response deadline to contact the bride directly with your numerous problems, which have precluded your prompt response. I expected this to happen, but it baffles me nonetheless.

PS - should you ever find yourself beginning a conversation with:

• "I know this this isn't your problem, but...";
• "I hate to bother you because I know you are really stressed and busy..."; or
• "I know you have a lot going on right now, but..."

...stop speaking. No, really, shut the hell up.

The Bus

Okay, so one of the last major pieces of the puzzle is renting a bus to transport 50 guests from Sunnyside, Queens to the Bronx Zoo. A challenge, I assure you.

I have contacted several transportation companies today and my favorite has to be from CitiVans. I call and speak to Jenny, who grapples with English and sounds as if she is under water. I explain what I am looking for:

2 buses that seat 24-28 people each to transport 50 passengers from Sunnyside, Queens to the Bronx Zoo on October 23rd from 3.30pm-11.30pm.

She emails me a quote for 2 buses: one on September 29th and one on October 23rd for one hour a piece. This woman is their sales representative?!

I am trying really hard to find the humor in this so that I might properly entertain my readers, but I can't. Today I have lost my sense of humor.

I then contact BusBank and the very helpful (and English-speaking native) Tony offers me a decent quote and kindly suggests that one large charter bus that seats 55 people is the best option. I have a couple of feelers out there, but Tony might be the winner.

With my luck I can envision two thirds of my guests hanging out at a hotel waiting for a bus that never shows. This will be my recurring nightmare as we lead up to the wedding. I just know it. May Tony save the day...

Accessories

Now that I know people are actively reading this blog, I am screening a few aspects of the wedding; there are a few things that are so dear to me that I don't want to ruin the surprise. I'll give a hint about one of these elements: Accessories.

I am a big fan of a site called Etsy, which my sister introduced me to a few years ago. Etsy is an online community of artisans, designers, craftspeople, etc. who sell their wares on this online repository. Etsy is craft porn and I am an addict.

I am a minimally crafty person, but these people are extraordinary. I suppose these are the folks that when watching House Hunters on HGTV talk about how some room (that's bigger than my bedroom here in NYC) would be "just darling for a craft room!" And I always think, "Who the hell needs a room dedicated to crafts?!" These people do.

Anyway, I have been in conversations with Rock Star Hottie and Feathers and Frills, ordering custom accessories and bridal party gifts. I'm going to cruise shortly for a necklace - I need something to match the beautiful earrings my mother is lending me...the earrings she wore on her wedding day!

I want to be a boy...and eat at Floresta every day

Last night we ventured into Men's Wearhouse to pick out tuxes. Originally, I figured the gents would just wear suits, but it was decided that tux rentals would be cheaper and easier. And we all know I'm all for cheap and easy.

Anyway, we get over there and the street is barricaded - President Obama was in town, so all of Manhattan was at a stand-still. You know: if they are going to close the streets every time the man hits the island, the least they can do is drive him around waving for photo-ops. I mean, how rude.

I digress: we finally get into Men's Wearhouse where it takes a whopping 20 minutes to pick out the style, color, shoes, and accessories for 4 grown men. Simply brilliant. I know what you are thinking: I can't complain, seeing as all I did was perform an online search, have my measurements taken, and sit back for a custom dress to arrive at my doorstep, but, man, Men's Wearhouse makes me want to be a boy.

By the way, for those of you coming to Sunnyside for the Big Event: we went to a new restaurant (post-Wearhouse) called Floresta and it was phenomenal. Because they just opened they do not yet have their liquor license, but the food was so good that we didn't miss the beer and wine. The house salad was towering and delectable, and the Churrasco steak I ordered rivaled Delaware in size. We are sharing the leftovers tonight for dinner (yes, sharing the LEFTOVERS - that's how big this thing is). Try it!

Must Have Photos

When last we visited the Bronx Zoo it was suggested that we consult the interactive planner to create a photo itinerary for "must have" zoo shots. (How cool is this: we will be driven around in a golf cart taking pictures with our favorite zoo animals!)

This led me to do some online research regarding general "must have" shots. The results are nothing less than pathetically hysterical:

• Close-up of groom's adorably nervous mug waiting for his other half
• The buffet or, if having table service, a dinner serving
• Intimate shots of bride and groom chatting with/crying with/hugging parents and siblings pre-ceremony

Some of these lists have hundreds of suggestions: and they are mostly lame, or so painfully obvious that I am curious as to how they even warrant mentioning (e.g., "Picture of bride and groom together"...really? Thanks, The Knot, I never would have thought of that on my own).

Naturally, I'll have to inform our ultra cool photographer, Angie Gaul from Milestone Images, that our list will likely look more like:

• Bride dodging lemur throwing its own poo
• Bride and groom laughing their heads off at monkey masturbating as it stands on the back of a tapir*
• Bride and groom snapping pictures of the chinchilla humping the glass of its display case*
• Close-up of bride and groom drinking Stella out of plastic cups while cursing people for not parenting their ill-behaved, sticky children*

*these events have actually taken place during past visit to national zoos. Now you can see why we love them; you never know what will happen

I am sure that in the long run we will have some fantastic photos that really reflect our day and our spirit. For that, I am grateful.

Millie is a goddess!

So we went to the Bronx yesterday to meet with Millie of Sal & Dom's bakery. She, like their pastries, is heavenly.

First, there was absolutely no judgment when I said I don't want a traditional wedding cake; Millie didn't bat an eye when she saw the wedding cake topper. Instead, she quickly whipped up a pencil drawing of what she had in mind, which was awesome and totally on-theme.

Second, we tasted two fillings: Bavarian Cream and Chocolate Mousse, both of which were superb. I could have eaten a bowl of the Bavarian Cream. I need to take a moment now, close my eyes and relive the experience...

Third, her presence was just so calming - I felt completely and utterly relaxed speaking with her. She is the kind of person that makes you think, "Everything will be okay." Her adorable grand kids came in and, I swear, I was jealous of those children. I want Millie to be my grandma.

Finally, and this (hah) takes the cake: we bought 3 cake-lets and one mini cannoli for the trip for the absurdly reasonable sum $3!

Three dollars.

My Non-Shower

As much as I appreciate that folks want to throw me a bridal shower, I simply cannot stomach the notion. Sitting around eating overly sweet cake while opening cookwear sounds like an atrocious way to spend an afternoon. So, I've decided to throw myself a non-shower!

In a nutshell, I will email all of my female guests this weekend and ask them to set aside 3 hours on October 2nd to do something THEY enjoy doing!

As much as I really do need a zester, I would rather they tell their significant other / family / employer, “Damn, I have to go to Danielle’s stupid bridal shower!” …and then sneak out to do something they like, guilt-free!

Besides, a toilet paper veil would not improve my appearance, or my mood.

Look at this poor soul (thanks, Google Images!)...

I WON!!!!

So I found this fabu wedding cake topper online to the tune of $62. Upon further Internet searching, however, I was lucky enough to find it on eBay for $15.99.

I bid and WON! It's all mine!

I'm Giving a Concert ;)

In my quest to tick items off my Wedding To Do List, I have booked my hair and makeup appointment, as well as placed an order for flowers...only the vendors of these establishments do not know it is for my wedding. They think I am doing a concert on the Upper East Side.

I find it a supreme rip-off that make-up application costs $70; however, if it's WEDDING makeup, it costs $150. I'm sorry, what are they possibly going to achieve with the extra $80? Will I suddenly look like Giselle? I highly doubt it. Besides, I do not need the pomp and circumstance of Being The Bride. I am sure that makeup application is a lot easier when one doesn't feel obligated to drink champagne and have a photographer snapping photos.

I'm fairly confident the florist wouldn't pull the "wedding" fee on me, but I couldn't risk it.

This Saturday we go to Sal & Dom's bakery. Even though we do not plan on having a traditional wedding cake, I can't very well tell these folks it's a concert. Darn!

Signature Cocktail

So I had fun this week researching autumn-themed cocktails (heck, my beloved found one while we were vacationing at the Shore and insisted that he and our gracious host try it).

I learned that black vodka exists. Looks weird, but likely tastes A-okay!

I found a million and one apple cider recipes, some sites proving better than others.

Now, I'm not saying we'll try all of them, but I'm not averse to the challenge!

The Death of Me

These invitations may be the death of me.

So far only one has been returned to sender, claiming insufficient postage; however, my brother informs me that his arrived with the same notice (although his kindly postal carrier stamped it "paid by carrier"). What a pile of nonsense - I bought a birthday card today from Papyrus that I swear weighs 5 pounds (replete with googly eyes and an alien spacecraft design) and I'm sure that will sail through. There is simply no way these demand more than the standard $0.44 postage.

Plus, doesn't the USPS appreciate that I wrote an entire term paper on the merits of stamps, positing that they serve as badges of identification for a country (similar to what a logo does for a corporation), thus perpetuating the brand of its country of origin? Ungrateful bastards.

I'm going to calm myself by researching autumn cocktails.

$950 or a Broken Hip?

So, the Zoo event planners have alerted us to the fact that:

a) they do not have a dance floor in the hall,
b) they do not intend on purchasing one, and
c) the vendor they contract charges $950 to temporarily lay one

WHAT?! Yeah, I've been in a real funk about that for awhile: it's not necessarily the money; it's the principle. My dress didn't cost $950. My wedding ring, which I will wear for the rest of my life, didn't cost $950. The DJ, without whom there would be no dancing, didn't cost $950. Are we detecting a pattern?

Sure we can forgo the floor, but I am a born worrier and fret that someone will slip on the tiled floor, breaking a hip. Hmmm...tough call.

No going back now...

We mailed our invitations on Thursday, September 2nd. We also stopped over at the Diamond District and bought our wedding rings from the lovely Herman and his wife, whose name escapes me. Then we stopped at St. Andrew's pub and drank some Scottish brew. (We were freaked out and needed a drink to calm down.)

46 days to go...and nowhere near done planning.